Talmudic Wisdom
A Priest meets his friend, the Rabbi, and says to him, "You have
taught me many things but there is one thing in particular I want
to learn very much but you do not wish to teach it to me. I want
you to teach me the Talmud."
The Rabbi replied: "You are a Non-Jew and you have the brain of a
Non-Jew. There is no chance that you will succeed in
understanding the Talmud."
But the Priest continued in his attempt to persuade the Rabbi to
teach him the Talmud.
Finally, the Rabbi agreed. The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "I
agree to teach you the Talmud on condition that you answer one
question."
The Priest agreed and asked the Rabbi, "What is the question?"
The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "Two men fall down through the
chimney; one comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who
of those two goes to wash up?"
"Very simple," replied the Priest. "The one who is dirty goes to
wash up but the one who is clean does not go to wash up."
The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "I told you that you will not
succeed in understanding the Talmud. The exact opposite happened.
The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks that he is also
dirty, goes to wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks
at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore,
does not go to wash up."
The Priest then says to the Rabbi: "This I did not think of. Ask
me, please, another question."
The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "Two men fall down through the
chimney; one comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who
of those two goes to wash up?"
The Priest then says to the Rabbi: "Very simple. The clean one
looks at the dirty one and thinks he is also dirty and goes to
wash up. The dirty one on the other hand, looks at the clean one
and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to
wash up."
The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "You are wrong again.
I told you that you will not understand. The clean one looks into
the mirror, sees that he is clean and, therefore, does not go to
wash up. The dirty one looks into the mirror, sees that he is
dirty and goes to wash up."
The Priest complains to the Rabbi, "But you did not tell me that
there is a mirror there."
The Rabbi then tells the Priest: "I told you. You are a Non-Jew;
with your brain you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud.
According to the Talmud, you have to think of all the
possibilities. "
"All right," groaning, said the Priest to the Rabbi. "Let us try
once more. Ask me one more question."
For the last time, the Rabbi then said to the Priest: "Two men
fall down through the chimney; one comes out dirty and the other
comes out clean. Who of those two goes to wash up?"
"That is very simple!" replied the Priest. "If there is no mirror
there the clean one will look at the dirty one and will think
that he is also dirty and will, therefore, go to wash up. The
dirty one will look at the clean one and will think that he is
also clean, and will, therefore, not go to wash up. If there is a
mirror there, the clean one will look into the mirror and will,
therefore, not go to wash up. The dirty one will look into the
mirror and will see that he is dirty and will, therefore, go to
wash up.
The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "I told you that you would not
succeed in understanding. You are a Non-Jew; you have a Non-Jew
brain. Tell me, how is it possible for two men to fall through a
chimney and for one to come out dirty and the other to come out
clean?"
Jewish Computers
I don't know if you know this, but you can now
purchase Kosher computers! They are made in
Israel by a company called DELL-SHALOM. The
price is so low... even with the shipping from
Israel! However, before you purchase a kosher
computer of your own, you should know that
there are some important changes from the
typical non-kosher computer you are used to,
such as:
1) The 'Start' button has been replaced with a
'Let's go!! I'm not getting any younger!' button.
2) You hear 'Hava Nagila' during startup.
3) The cursor moves from right to left.
4) When Spell-checker finds an error it prompts,
'Is this the best you can do?'
5) When you look at erotic images, your computer
says, 'If your mother knew you did this, she would
die.'
6) It comes with a 'monitor cleaning solution' from
Manischewitz that gets rid of all the 'schmutz und
drek.'
7) When running 'Scan Disk' it prompts you with
a 'You want I should fix this?' message.
8) After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC goes,
'Schloffen.'
9) The PC shuts down automatically at sundown
on Friday evenings.
10) It comes with two hard drives - one for
fleyshedik (business software) and one for
milchedik (games).
11) Instead of getting a 'General Protection Fault'
error, your PC now gets 'Ferklempt.'
12) The multimedia player has been renamed to
'Nu, so play my music already!'
13) When your PC is working too hard, you
occasionally hear a loud 'Oy Gevalt!'
14) Computer viruses can now be cured with
matzo ball soup!
16) When disconnecting external devices from
the PC, you are instructed to 'Remove the cable
from the PC's tuchus.'
17) After your computer dies, you have to
dispose of it within 24 hours.
18) But best of all, if you have a kosher computer,
you can't get SPAM!!
God Texts 10 Commandments
GOD TEXTS THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
by Jamie Quatro
1. no1 b4 me. srsly.
2. dnt wrshp pix/idols
3. no omg's
4. no wrk on w/end (sat 4 now; sat l8r)
5. pos ok - ur m&d r cool
6. dnt kill ppl
7. :-X only w/ m8
8. dnt steal
9. dnt lie re: bf
10. dnt ogle ur bf's m8. or ox. or dnkey. myob.
M, pls rite on tabs & giv 2 ppl.
ttyl, JHWH.
Dirty Old Hebrews
HEBREW DA VINCI
Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!
The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals to help them till the soil.
The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they would seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Then a little old Jewish man stood up In the back of the room and said,
"Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left......
It says: 'Holy Mackerel dig the ass on that chick!"
